Today I Realized I Am More in Love with Jesus

My quiet soul sometimes wants to shout to the world that I have a lot to say. I have strong opinions and passions and at times if you know me well enough you cant shut me up. What I have to say matters, and I believe that more every day. More often than not I feel that I say it more effectively and with clarity in written word. So, for a while I have been tossing around the idea of writing again. Sharing my heart that so many have invested in; so many have touched; so many have been used of the Lord to change and shape.

Where do I start though? A story of freedom or victory? What a blessing it is to be used as the healing hands of Christ as I care for people on their worst days? Maybe a funny nursing story? Life has been so full in the last few years that a starting point seemed just out of reach.

And then this morning I woke up and realized something....I am more in love with Jesus. All the crazy blog worthy stories of my life thrown together in the mosaic of who I am have accomplished something of eternal value. I love Jesus more. The more I thought about that today the more I felt the need to shout it to the world.

The last few years of joys and struggles; victories, challenges and sorrows, mixed with waiting and a lot of unknowns have been the very thing that the Lord used to answer my hearts cry to love him more. A lot of that time has been spent anticipating the end of a season and a result I desire. Graduation. The job I see myself in. Financial stability. The salvation of my family. Marriage. Most of those things I do not yet have. And, I may never have. I have been waiting and trusting and doing my very best to glean from every lesson my sweet Jesus sends my way. Anticipating and some days praying fervently. Some days not so much. Yet in his infinite wisdom and ability to hear my heart over my muffled thoughts, Jesus did something even more amazing then I could have expected and answered my deepest cry and desire to know him. More. And he continues to answer that prayer. And, although I still wait and hope for things, I am learning more and more to be present in today and marvel at the work being done in my heart through it all. To truly count it all joy. Any struggle, any wait, any circumstance is worth an ever increasing depth of relationship with the Creator and Sustainer of all. Unspeakable JOY.

30, Flirty & Thriving!....well just about :-)

This weekend I had the opportunity to come home for a few days so I took it. As much as I always say I don't want to move home and live in the north anymore, I get homesick pretty quick and love to come home for visits. I have not even seen my nephews yet and cant wait to get lots of hugs and kisses when they arrive at my Mom and Dad's tonight..so excited!

Everyone is at work or school right now and I am home alone. I should be working on my biology lab but I am not...instead I am organizing my email....obviously finding anything to distract myself from my homework! lol

I found this email....

I thought it was pretty funny...then realized it is April 1st....which means I turn 30 this month! YIKES! 

When I was really young I pictured my life much differently then it has turned out. I thought for sure I would be married by 20 and be a Mom and chase little ones around in my 20's. That would have been great I am sure but obviously life did not turn out that way! 

That used to bother me...ALOT! But the older I get (haha) the more I am thankful that the Lord has a perfect plan for my life, and that things are the way they are. I have had such AMAZING experiences in my 20's and wouldn't change a minute of it. 

The last ten years have been so incredible I cant help but be excited about the next ten! The possibilities are endless!! A life lived for Jesus is certainly not dull and lacking in adventure! So who knows?! Maybe a great guy will make it to the top of the tree? Maybe I will live in Africa? Maybe have babies? Maybe adopt babies? Maybe see Jesus return? See my family saved? I bet there will be a tonne of amazing things that I cant even begin to imagine right now!! 

30, flirty and thriving?! Heck yeah!!! Bring it on! Its gunna be great! 

Georgian Here I Come.....Again!!

It is official I will be going to Georgian College in Barrie to get my diploma in Practical Nursing!.....on a FULL scholarship!!!
 

I AM SO EXCITED!!! 

Sometimes while living in the current everyday challenges of a world filled with chemistry and physics, I forget what all the effort is for. Why in the world do I have to learn about stoichiometry, gas laws and molecular compounds?? GAH!!! But then I take a step back and reflect and I am so in awe of what the Lord has done for me. How He has provided in such an amazing way for me go to school and fulfill my dreams....the dreams that He placed in my heart! There just aren't words to express my excitement and the gratitude in my heart!

 

Communications 1001

I had to write a personal email for my communications class and almost immediately when trying to think of a topic, I thought of the staycation day during LeadTime when we all went hiking in Arkansas. It will always be a favorite day of that year...and my whole life! I just loved it so much!!
I don't think that I ever shared with anyone all the events of that day....but maybe I did and I just don't remember.....but since the whole reason I started this blog was to share as I was in LeadTime, I thought I would share my essay I wrote that LeadTime inspired :-) Hope you enjoy!

Seconds after I woke up that morning, I had a pit of dread in my stomach. Today was the day I was to hike through the forest in the middle of nowhere Arkansas. I didn’t want to. I had been told to make sure I was prepared and ready for a physically demanding day. It was “staycation” week, and every day the group I was a part of participated in a different activity. I was quite content with the movie day, the beach day and the breakfast buffet morning but what kind of people like to take a difficult hike through the woods on vacation? I wanted to relax. Not use muscles I didn’t know I had and still others that hadn’t been used in years.  But I had made a commitment, and I was going to follow through even if it killed me. So, with water in hand, Chaco’s on feet, and a good stock of Ibuprofen in my pocket, my bad attitude and I started the hike through an Arkansas trail.  I didn’t know it when I left but something I brought with me was not going to return back to civilization.

The hike started out as I anticipated. I walked along with *Kate, one of my little sisters in the program I was working for.  We decided to put all of our things into one bag take turns carrying it, rather than both carrying a bag all the way. I used the opportunity to teach Kate a life lesson about friendship and carrying each other’s burdens. She thought it was corny. At least she told me she thought it was corny. Something in my heart softened when I heard my words though, as if they were not my own, and I am certain that something was stirred in her as well. Maybe this hiking thing wasn’t going to be awful after all.

As Kate and I hiked, switching the bag back and forth between us, her enthusiasm for what she was experiencing was humbling. She found beauty in the trees, the water, the bright blue sky and even the rocky terrain that was not always being kind to us. I enjoyed listening to her excitement.  She was what most would call “troubled” which was why she was there in the first place, and I was supposed to be there to help her. I was there to be her Big Sister. My goal was to guide her towards the ability to have a better attitude and deal with her emotions in a better way then she had when she was home with her family.  I was humbled because here I was groaning and not dealing well, and she put a smile on her face and took it for what it was. Appreciated it and drank it in, knowing it was worth the effort. I was learning from her and in the moment she had no idea what a profound teacher and positive influence she had become. Just by being herself.

Two hours into the woods and halfway through our hike we arrived at what was named the “Indian Rockhouse.” It was a huge open concept cave that centuries ago, native tribes lived in. It was one of the most incredible things I have ever witnessed in my life. We ate lunch on the dirt floor and then spent time exploring the caves, waterfalls and structure of the entire “Rockhouse.” Before too long I found myself acting like a child. I was laughing and climbing, getting completely full of mud and exploring without hesitation. I am not sure if it was my exhaustion, the absolute beauty of the place or Kate’s tender excited heart that caused me to let loose. It was probably the combination, but either way I decided to give in and go with it! How often does one have an opportunity to explore a cave deep in the middle of the Arkansas wilderness? It wasn’t likely I would ever be back there again and I realized in that moment how beautiful an opportunity I had been blessed with. I didn’t want to miss one more minute buried in my frustration of having to step out of my comfort zone.

Our next stop was what I can only describe as a piece of Eden. We hiked up a narrow mountain like path that led us to the most incredible water fall. It towered above and glistened in the sun like crystal. It was so majestic I got the sense that this waterfall had a personality all its own. It was tall, strong and confident, yet just as inviting and warm as a mother’s soft embrace. I soaked in the beauty of the moment and the joy of seeing my sisters, both big and little, give themselves over to Mother Nature and her majesty.  We played in the cool refreshing water and took turns posing for the camera, each of us aware, without any words being exchanged, that the moment we were sharing was one none of us would ever forget.  I could have stayed in that place forever.

The day was starting to disappear though and it was time to start the hike back.  The idea of the day ending made me sad. Sad I thought? Didn’t I start this day with dread hoping it would never have to happen, and now I was sad it was ending? As we started back Kate had run off to hike with one of her friends and I was happy to have the time without conversation.  I was surrounded with the people who know me best in this world but I walked the trail alone. I am sure they sensed it was a “me” moment and gave me the freedom to have it.  I was able to find perfect solitude, surrounded by perfect love and acceptance as I hiked out of the woods. I thought about what I felt when I had woken up, the dread I experienced and then how little by little my heart opened up and before I knew it I had become a child again. How then, and only then, was I able to really see and appreciate the beauty of what I had first viewed as daunting and frustrating.

My trusty Chaco’s were no longer green, I was covered in mud and sweat from head to toe, and I definitely needed the ibuprofen I had tucked in my pocket, but as I started to see the woods thinning and we were almost back at the trail head, I knew that I had spent the day exactly where I needed to be. Deep in the woods, a million miles away from who I thought I was, a million miles away from all I found comfortable and familiar. It was the only way I was going to lose something I had tried to hold onto but ultimately didn’t have the power to. The perfect combination of innocence, beauty, exhaustion and mud built my character that day and no longer did my heart have room for a selfish attitude interested in only my comfort.  It went down with a fight, but a not so pretty piece of my heart had surrendered to the rugged Arkansas terrain that day, and I am forever grateful that it did.

*named changed

Hinds Feet

These pictures made me think of Hinds Feet on High Places!

I remember imagining a small little precipice as I read the book but it was not this small in my head! Pretty amazing! 

The Lord GOD is my strength,
         And He has made my feet like hinds' feet,
         And makes me walk on my high places.

Habukkuk 3:19

The Buffalo Bill Dam on the Shoshoni River at Cody , Wyoming

The Clouds Shall Come....

Last night at work I was very bored!! and ended up searching completely random things on Google. I came across this picture of some storm clouds in Branson and thought it was pretty cool. It was taken in June 2009 and its pretty likely that if I wasn't already in the basement crying I wanted to be!

So then the computer went off and I was able to curl up on the couch....not to think of the "random" picture again...until the power went out and the surveillance system messed up and......well, I had a couple hours before my shift was over to think..and God brought this picture to mind again....

I faced a lot of fear in those clouds, both in the literal sense and also in my heart. God was so faithful to do life changing things in my heart through those clouds. Always encouraging to re-visit that part of my journey. It didn't start in Branson and it sure didn't end there either, but what a sweet time it was. 

And for today.....well there are still so many lessons in the clouds. Although my sister and I were stuck driving through a pretty nasty storm a few weeks ago it was nothing compared to a Missouri storm! So, on that front things are very calm! 

As for my heart, the storm rages on in full force. And, the feelings I would have in the past if I knew bad storm clouds were coming are so similar to the feelings raging on in my heart. Fear, dread, urgency....and I just want it to be OVER. I just want the clouds to go away and the sun to come out. 

Thankfully I know from experience that there is much to be learned in the clouds, character to be built, dependence to be deepened, and love to be revealed..

Random picture? Not exactly....a reminder close to my heart in many ways that although the storm rages on and the clouds seem to be to much to handle....God is faithful to be with me right in the middle of it all and walk me through to the sunshine on the other side.....and I have a feeling the sun will be even brighter this time..it always is. 

Psalms 37

Trust in the LORD and do good;
Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the LORD;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light
And your judgment as the noonday.
Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him;

Yup there is it! Took me a few months to get it but I finally got it! :)
I have been so focused on how to get out of here and what I am going to do when I leave that I have lost the beauty behind why the Lord led me home in the first place......to dwell in this land, for this time, and to cultivate faithfulness.
There is no question that it has been and probably will continue to be difficult to be here. But I need to remember that sorrow and suffering are companions that my sweet Lord has picked for me with purpose and intent....that intent, although much deeper then I understand I am sure, can all be wrap up in a short little statement....the cultivation of my faith.

I am a dictionary.com addict (lol) and after I was reading this verse today and "got it" I had to look up cultivate. The definition is "to prepare and work on (land) in order to raise crops." WOW....in this case I think land could be replaced with heart.

The next part of the verse--Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart--has been a favorite of mine for years. In light of the verse before it though, and what it now means for me I like it even more. The Lord is preparing and working on me, cultivating me, getting me ready for some sort of crop again lol :) And as I surrender to Him and just let Him do the work that needs done on my heart He will give me the desires of my heart. Exciting!!

The next part that really stuck out to me, even though the whole thing was awesome, is the last part that says REST in the Lord and wait PATIENTLY for Him. I have been doing everything BUT resting, trying to figure out the perfect plan for what is next. Should I go here, should I go there, what country, what city...aaaaahhhhhhhh! I am driving myself crazy lol.

All He wants me to do is REST in the truth of who He is...........allow the CULTIVATING to take place as I seek Him and literally dwell here lol........and trust that my He will GIVE me the desires of my heart....what an amazing Father I have :)