I really am not sure how to express what I am feeling right now. Recently the Lord has done amazing things in me and as I embrace the change I am surprised at the depth of my heart. I struggle with putting words to the things happening because they have never happened to me before so I have never had to identify them. LIfe is intense, more intense then I ever realized before. And although it can be incredibly hard, I like this new unchartered territory. Its thrilling…and finally, worth living.


I did not realize until a few weeks ago, and even more recently its become real, that I have not felt safe for a long time. There could be many reasons why but I am not going to try and analyze and figure that out at this point. I am just going to let the Lord show that to me as He choses. It could be overwhelming if I try take steps in that before He guides me.

The last few days I have been keenly aware of situations in which I feel incredibly uncomfortable and fearful. From the words I use you would think that I have been mugged or something. But, that is not the case at all. The situation I remember most vividly at this point is sitting in chapel last Wednesday. I was sitting between Kelly and Megan, both of whom are in my discipleship group for LeadTime. We had actually just come from meeting where we had shared our hearts and lives with each other and I had been very vulnerable. Sharing a piece of my heart I have not shared for many years. Logically I know I can trust these ladies. And trust them deeply. But sitting in between them that day I felt very unsafe and not free to worship. It had nothing to do with them. In my brokenness and uncertainty I was trying desperately to get my shell back on. Desperately to hide. The Lord spoke to my heart and said, “dont worry, you are safe.” Instantly I was relieved of my prison and I felt the presence of the Lord in an awesome powerful way. My walls meant to keep people out were broken through and to my surprise it allowed the Lord to come in more fully. It was incredible.

Since that day I am very aware of my times that I feel unsafe. At church this morning in worship again I had to fight off my feelings of fear and allow the Lord to bring me safety and peace. It was a good time of worship. Then during communion without even realizing it I rebuilt my wall and to a certain degree “played the part.” The person serving communion was Jim, an employee of Doulos, and a dear servant of the Lord, again someone I know I can trust. I know has my best interest at heart. In a beautiful moment of him serving me communion, I built my wall.

So I continue to struggle. But I am so thankful because I am now aware of times that I rebuild. And even more exciting then that I am aware of depth and intensity of emotion and life on the other side of my walls. I used to not be aware of what awaited me. Not even a little. I had no clue. The Lord has been gracious in slowly opening the door and letting me test the waters of true life. True abundant life in Him. Life has not been all bad in the last ten years that I have know my Lord. But I cant ever go back now that I’ve seen what I have been missing. Now that I know there is something more.

I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.

John 10:10 The Message