Learning To Trust Is Hard

Well Christmas in Matheson is just about over. I have been home for 6 days and it has flown by so fast! On Thursday I am going to leave and go to Sarnia and be there until Sunday afternoon when I take the Greyhound from Detroit. I was originally going to take the bus straight through and cross the border at Fort Erie Buffalo but I felt like I wanted to cross at Sarnia in case anything happens I am close to home. So, because that was going to put me back on property a day late, I talked to Amy, she cleared it with the house directors and I am all good to go. I have to admit that the added bonus of seeing even more of my friends this way is really exciting to me. I will also get to visit my home church which, although I thought I would be ok without, I think its going to do my heart alot of good

I am still not totally sure what is going to happen when I try and cross the border. This visa denial has been quite the journey and I have realized alot of things about myself through it. Most disturbing is that I dont think I trust God as much as I thought I did. I have alot of fear and anxiety about crossing and am finding it really hard to believe that God could get me across with no problems and that if He wants me across with no problems it will happen.
I have always been the type of person that in these situations I am organized, have what I need and probably extra and always have my bases covered. I have even prided myself on the fact that I am always well prepared and well prepared in advance. The fact that it just doenst seem possible to do that in this situation has been really stretching for me. I am upset that I cant have that control, frustrated that I dont know what the outcome will be, and probably a little mad at God because He wants me to trust in a way I have never trusted before and that SCARES me sooo bad!!!
I really hope that through this the Lord brings me to the next level of trust in Him. The process of getting there is tough and scary but I know at this point I cant even begin to imagine how incredible! And what adventures He may send me on from there!